Secretly Falling Apart
by Daisy5
Summary: Cordelia looks for comfort in the wrong place


Title: Secretly falling apart. Author: Daisy Pairing:Angelus/Cordelia Angel/Cordelia Rating:Kiddies beware....NC17 Category: Angst with a hint of romance, this ain't fluff folks. Spoilers:I don't think so, but you can never be too sure, maybe a few speculation spoilers for season 4. Nothing huge. Disclaimer:All the characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and any other suit that claims to own them. They're not mine, dagnamit! Distribution:Want, take, have, but be a peach and let me know.  
  
The hotel was so quiet Cordelia swore she could hear her heart beat echoing around the lobby. Cordelia knew she shouldn't be there, there were so many reasons why this was a bad idea, but her heart was broken and this was the only place she felt safe. Which was ironic as the hotel was probably the most dangerous place in town at the moment. The Hyperion, once full of the sound of laughter and friendship was now haunted with a deathly silence, the rooms were empty of life and Cordelia had never felt so alone. The nights were darker and the days seemed endless since Angel had been ripped away from her. Her best friend was gone, replaced by a killer wearing his beautiful face.  
  
"Angel." Cordelia sighed miserably and sat on the stairs, waiting. Angel had been gone for three months now, in that short time everything had fallen apart. The group was broken into so many pieces Cordelia wasn't sure they could be fixed ever again. Cordelia held her head in her hands and cursed herself. Angelus would realise she was there soon, she should go, leave, run as fast as she could. Yet Cordelia couldn't bring herself to move a muscle. The seer didn't have a death wish, she just wanted the man she loved, even if his soul was gone.  
  
"Cordelia?" Angelus called out to her from the landing, for a moment the young woman thought her Angel was back but thought again when she saw the smirk stretched across his face. "Back again? You just can't keep away from me can you?" Angelus leant against the railing lazily, he might look relaxed but Cordelia knew better, he could kill her in a second if the mood took him, she had seen it happen before. He looked like he had just woken up, his hair was a mess and he was dressed in just a vest and a pair of sweats. This wasn't what Cordelia was expecting, he looked so much like her Angel that it was almost impossible for her to believe that he was gone.  
  
Cordelia made her way up the stairs, praying her legs would hold her. When she was standing only a few feet away from him she crossed her arms and lifted her chin defiantly, summoning the strength of the old Queen C. "I don't appreciate the little gifts Angelus. Dead puppies might have made Buffy weak in the knees but not me." Cordelia scowled at him.  
  
"You get all dressed up to come over here and tell me that Cor?" Angelus looked her up and down, visually groping her. Cordelia felt a delicious shiver run up her spine and tried to shake the feeling.  
  
"Stay away from my people. You hurt any of them and I will kill you. And this isn't some hollow Sunnydale threat Angelus, I mean it. Go near any of them again and I'll forget the fact that your squatting in my best friends body and I will make you into a very small pile of dust." Cordelia threatened him.  
  
"Those are fighting words Cordy, you sure you want to get into all that?" Angelus sauntered over to her with his hands in his pockets, he knew this girl was powerful, she wasn't just some dizzy cheerleader anymore. Cordelia was a woman protecting her family.  
  
Angelus tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and trailed his fingertips down the delicate skin of her neck, Cordelia tried not to lean into the caress. "Wouldn't you rather be doing something else with all that pent up energy you've got?" He whispered low into her ear. Cordelia stepped back from him and pulled herself together.  
  
"What happened last time, with the kissing, that's not going to happen again. I don't want you, you're not the man I love. Stay away from me." Cordelia said defiantly, trying to believe what she was saying. She turned to leave but Angelus was faster, he reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her sharply up to him.  
  
"You might not love me Cordelia, but you sure as hell want me." Angelus growled and tugged her hair back, exposing Cordelia's long throat. He watched the blood beat beneath her skin and became lost in the hunger that was coursing through him. Angelus could feel the heat of her skin burning him and wanted to devour her whole.  
  
"You don't have the balls to kill me Angelus." Cordelia hissed at him, wincing at the sharp pain in her scalp. The seer stared into his cold eyes, daring him.  
  
Angelus chuckled at the young woman's show of defiance and loosened his grip on her hair,Cordelia silently sighed with relief. "You still haven't told me why you're all dressed up?" Angelus purred and pressed her to him with a hand on the small of her back.  
  
"Not that I'm complaining,' Angelus continued, 'its quite the view I've got from up here." He grinned and stared down at her cleavage.  
  
"That has nothing to do with you...I'm meeting friends...they're expecting me. Let me go." Cordelia tried to push him away even though her disloyal body wanted to be closer to him. But no matter how much she wriggled and squirmed Angelus held solid.  
  
"Why on earth would I want to do that Cordelia?" The demon purred into her ear, Angelus snaked his tongue out and tasted her sweet skin. Cordelia felt his left hand trailing down her back and settling on her butt, moving her even closer to him. The ex cheerleader gasped when she felt the full force of Angelus' desire against her. He took advantage of Cordelia's shock and attacked her mouth with his, this wasn't the tender love filled kisses she and Angel had shared, this kiss was consumed with the raw animal need that had been building between the two for weeks. Cordelia hated herself for wanting this monster but she couldn't control herself around him, just as she couldn't with Angel. Be it Angel or Angelus, Cordelia's body ached for the touch. The seer gripped the smooth plains of his upper arms and kneaded the muscled flesh with her soft fingers. She felt his cold tongue begging for entry against her lips, Cordelia knew that if she let him in she would be lost.  
  
Cordelia gave in to her treacherous body and let his inquisitive tongue have its way, she moaned softly at the invasion. Angelus' kisses were deep and long, making her lungs burn for oxygen. She ran her hand up his strong neck and into his hair, grazing her nails lightly over his scalp, causing Angelus to groan and deepen the kiss even further. Angelus gripped the tender flesh of Cordelia's thigh and pulled her leg high up around his, pushing her against the wall as he did so. Cordelia knew she had to stop this now before it went any further, she knew screwing the demon wearing her boyfriends face was beyond stupid but she was tired of feeling dead inside. Ever since Angel had traded his soul for the life of his son Cordelia had hunted day and night for a way to bring him back, but during the last few weeks her quest had turned to vengeance and it was slowing killing her inside. She needed Angelus to make her feel alive again even if it killed her.  
  
Angelus' hand was slowly inching its way under Cordelia's short skirt and up her thigh. This time Cordelia took notice of the warning bells that were going off in her head and wrenched her lips away from Angelus. "We...have to...we have to stop." Cordelia panted and pushed her hands against his chest to try and move him away, but Angelus ignored her and concentrated on kissing the gentle curve of her collar bone. "Angelus, stop." Cordelia pushed at him harder and untangled her leg from his grasp. She heard the demon growl but he did as asked, although he still had her pressed up against the wall.  
  
"Why are you here Cordelia?" Angelus asked, gripping her shoulders roughly. "You do know that I'm Angelus right? Not that pathetic excuse for a vampire you shacked up with." He snarled viciously. "He's gone Cordelia, get use to it, he's not coming back. You Sunnydale woman are all the same, I should have fucking killed you when I had the chance." Angelus' eyes bore into Cordelia's, his were a dreadful mix of lust and hate but she didn't look away. Cordelia hurt so much already that his cruel words did nothing to her. A woman could only be in so much pain before she went numb.  
  
"Why didn't you?" Cordelia asked flatly, breaking the silence.  
  
"What?" Angelus said, a little thrown at the young woman's detached tone.  
  
"Why haven't you killed me?" The seer asked again, needing an answer. Angelus stepped away from Cordelia when he realised he didn't know what the answer was. Of course he had stalked her and left her little threatening 'presents' but he hadn't harmed her in any way, he wasn't sure why and it pissed him off.  
  
"I think it would be a good idea for you to leave before I change my mind and snap your neck." Angelus growled then stalked of to his room, Cordelia ignored his threat and followed him, heading directly for the bourbon on the countertop. She poured herself a very large drink and knocked it back without flinching then poured another.  
  
"I see the apple hasn't fallen very far from the tree." Angelus smirked, Cordelia scowled at the sly mention of her mothers drinking problem but decided not to rise to the bait. Cordelia ran her fingers along the books on Angels shelf, remembering the countless times she had teased him for not reading anything written after 1900.  
  
"So what do you do during the day? I mean, I know what Angel did, but he wasn't an evil homicidal maniac. Do you sit around plotting the end of the world? Or are you still thinking of ways to kill Buffy, cos I gotta tell ya Angelus, that never ends well for you." Cordelia said conversationally, pushing down the heart breaking memories of her time with Angel. Cordelia watched the unusually stoic vampire flinch at the slayers name, well I guess some things don't change, Cordelia thought. Angelus stretched out on the bed and folded his arms behind his head, watching the beautiful woman in front of him.  
  
"Cat got your tongue?" Cordelia raised her eyebrows at the vampire when he remained silent. "You use to be a lot more chatty than this Angelus, you're reminding me distinctly of Angel." She goaded him unsuccessfully.  
  
"I think I know why you've been keeping a low profile since you've been back, you're scared. You know that if you hurt me or any of my crew Buffy and Spike will be here in a flash and will rip you apart. The only reason they haven't yet is because I told them not to. Otherwise, pile of dust." Cordelia said flatly, thumbing through Angels beloved copy of King Lear. She put the book back and finished the rest of her drink. With her back to Angelus, Cordelia took a deep breath and kneaded the tense muscles in the back of her neck. She was tired and the alcohol was making her feel light headed and woozy, everything was getting to be too much for her, Cordelia's life was falling down around her and all she wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. Maybe that's why I'm still here, maybe I do have a death wish, Cordelia wondered to herself.  
  
Angelus moved silently up behind her, so lost in her own thoughts she didn't hear him. Cordelia stiffened when she felt his cool unneeded breath on her skin. Angelus brushed aside her dark glossy hair from her shoulders and planted a kiss on her throat. Cordelia closed her eyes and hummed softly with pleasure. Her breathing quickened when she felt Angelus moving aside the delicate straps of her dress, she realised what he was doing but didn't move to stop him. Cordelia leaned back into his chest as her dress slowly began to slide down, exposing her lace clad breasts to the warm evening air.  
  
"The reason I haven't killed you is the same reason you came here tonight. I may not be Angel but you still need me, you still want me." Angelus murmured hungrily in to her ear as her dress hit the ground. "You know you shouldn't be here, what would your do gooder friends say if they knew you'd been here every night this week? Trust me Cordelia, they wouldn't understand. But I do." All common sense left Cordelia when Angelus cupped her heavy breasts in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over her already hardened nipples. "I know who you are Cordelia, I know what you need." Angelus gripped her shoulders and turned her around to face him. "I wonder what would your soul boy think if he could see you now?" Angelus growled out, he saw the pain and hurt wash over her face but as fast as it had appeared it vanished, leaving Angelus staring into the eyes of a woman with nothing left to lose. "Well he's not here." Cordelia said emotionless, she tugged his vest towards her and attacked his mouth just as he had hers moments earlier, Angelus grasped the back of her head as their tongues battled for supremacy. Cordelia wrapped her arms around Angelus' neck and pressed her breasts in to his chest, yearning for the comfort of a warm embrace in the arms of a cold hearted killer.  
  
Angelus ran his callused hands over Cordelia's back as he continued to kiss her and snapped open the clasp of her bra, Cordelia dropped her arms to his waist and let the bra fall away. Angelus stepped back and looked at her, Cordelia fought the urge to cover herself under his intense stare. Angelus cradled her breasts in his hands, running his thumbs around her rosy nipples with such tenderness that Cordelia had to remind herself who was making her feel like this.  
  
Angelus walked the seer backwards towards his bed, Cordelia was making his usually razor-sharp brain foggy with lust. He wanted her in a way that he had never wanted the blonde slayer, he despised Buffy for how weak she had made Angel but he did not hate Cordelia. Even when he was buried in the far recesses of Angel's brain, shackled by a soul, Angelus had burned for her.  
  
Cordelia dragged Angelus with her as she fell down to the bed, she drowned in the sensation of having this man on top of her, pressing her down in to the soft mattress. Angelus pulled his vest off over his head as Cordelia somehow managed to slide his sweats down and off. His body was a landscape of hard muscular lines, Cordelia felt small and vulnerable beneath him. The vampire with a face of an angel peeled off Cordelia's panties, she arched her back when Angelus settled between her thighs. Before Cordelia knew it Angelus was pushing his way inside her, she cried out in shock and pleasure, Cordelia wrapped her legs high up around his back as Angelus filled her to the hilt.  
  
"Angel....." Cordelia moaned the name of the man she loved. Angelus pinned her arms above her head and forced her to open her eyes and look at him.  
  
"Wrong Cordelia, Angelus." He growled as he thrust into her. Cordelia looked into his golden orbs and all hope that a small part of her Angel still remained there vanished. She closed her eyes and let the darkness that had been threatening to drag her under for weeks take over. Cordelia shut off her brain and let her body take over, and in that moment she felt peace.  
  
Angelus watched Cordelia as she silently searched around the room for her bra. After ten minutes of looking she found it beneath the bed and put it on, slipping on her dress and heels afterwards. Angelus stretched out naked on the dishevelled bed, a grin of victory playing across his lips.  
  
"I take it there'll be no post sex cigarette and pillow talk then. Are you sure you don't want to cuddle?" He smirked brutally. Cordelia ignored him and straightened her hair in the mirror, she tried to not look at the bloody bite mark on the side of her neck but found that her gaze kept being pulled back to it. Angelus saw her finger the wound gingerly, she scowled at the faint stinging sensation. Cordelia brushed her hair over the mark and collected herself, picking up her purse she headed out the bedroom door without saying a word. Angelus leapt up off the bed and hurriedly pulled on his sweat pants, he reached the balcony just as Cordelia was making her way across the lobby.  
  
"See you soon Cordelia." Angelus called out, his voice making a deadly echo around the hotel. Cordelia faltered at his words but didn't turn around, she forced her legs to keep on moving and calmly walked out into the warm evening, praying that Angelus would not follow her.  
  
Cordelia pressed play on her answer machine but she didn't hear any of the messages, she knew what they were any way, there would be one from Fred, sweetly asking her if she were OK, one from Kate angrily telling her about the rash of homicides that had occurred since Angelus had shown up and finally one from the friends she was meant to meet tonight, asking her what the hold up was. She moved blindly around her apartment, turning on lights that were too bright and hurt her eyes, Cordelia caught her reflection in a mirror and noticed for the first time how dreadful she looked, her skin looked pale and washed out, a million miles away from the sun kissed glow that Angel had loved so much. The dark circles under her eyes made her look haunted, her ghosts were the countless wrong decisions they had all made that brought them to where they all were today. The only real family Cordelia had ever had was gone, leaving her with a gapping black whole in her life. They had all said it was Cordelia that kept them together but now she knew the truth, it was Angel, their champion.  
  
In that moment Cordelia understood how Buffy had felt all those years ago, how alone she truly was back then. She understood how the slayer couldn't kill him even after the death of Miss Calender, Cordelia had always believed she would be able to stake Angel if the worst came to the worst, she boasted so on countless occasions, but now the thought of it made her feel sick, how could she kill the man she loved? With shaking legs she fell down on to her sofa, Cordelia waited for guilt filled tears to fall but when none came she slipped in to a dreamless sleep. Cordelia's phantom house mate draped a blanket over her still figure, his heart breaking at the sight, Dennis did all the young woman's crying for her.  
  
  
  
Part Two  
  
Four days went by without sign of Angelus, Cordelia was both annoyed and relieved. The days had passed without event, Cordelia did the million boring things that had become her life, research, laundry, bills. Fred had dragged her out to a quiet lunch in which the young Texan girl tried to ignore the large plaster on the side of the seers neck. Cordelia had told no one about what happened, Angelus was right, they wouldn't understand. It was just one more secret she had to keep to herself. Cordelia had been in the bath for forty minutes when she heard a noise from the living room.  
  
"Hello?" She called out but was answered with silence. Putting it down to Dennis tidying the apartment she laid back down and let the hot water soothe her aching muscles. Just because the group had disbanded and their champion was gone didn't mean that the visions weren't still coming in fast and furious, Cordelia was exhausted from fighting demons that were three times the size of her. She slid down deeper in the tub until her head was completely covered under the lavender scented water. She moved her fingers slowly, creating ripples that kissed her flesh. Cordelia felt the urge to breath pushing at her lungs but didn't move, she increasingly found herself testing her bodies limits. When she could hold her breath for no longer Cordelia sat up with a splash, gasping for air. She let out a scream when she saw the looming figure of Angelus sitting on the side of her bath tub.  
  
"Dammit Angelus!" Cordelia shouted at the laughing vampire, she got out angrily and pulled on her red silk robe, wrapping it tightly around herself.  
  
"It's a bit late for modesty Cordy." Angelus snickered, he tugged at the belt as she walked past him but it stayed put, much to his disappointment.  
  
"Get out Angelus." Cordelia stormed to her front door and held it open. Angelus sat down on her sofa and put his feet up on the small coffee table. When she saw he wasn't going to move she slammed the door hard making the pictures on the wall rattle. "What do you want?"  
  
"Can't a guy just wanna see his girl?" He asked with mock sincerity. "You have to leave. Fred and Wesley will be here any second now."  
  
"I doubt that very much, from what I've seen of late the old gang just isn't what it use to be. I'm guessing you're on your own for the evening, so it's just as well I turned up." Angelus smiled charmingly at her, raking his eyes over her silk covered body, Cordelia felt her body reacting to his hungry stare straight away.  
  
"I can't....Angelus you have to go..." Cordelia pleaded with him desperately. The vampire stood and for a moment Cordelia thought he might actually be doing what she had asked but instead of heading for the door he was heading for her. He ran his fingers through her wet hair, Cordelia closed her eyes and leant in to his hand.  
  
"You left in such a rush the other day, I wasn't finished with you. " Angelus murmured silkily into her ear.  
  
"That was a mistake...it shouldn't have happened."  
  
"And yet it did and by the way you were screaming my name you enjoyed it."  
  
"I don't want you...." Cordelia muttered in a daze as he sucked the soft flesh of her left ear lobe. Angelus deftly untied the thin belt and let her robe fall open. He cupped her breasts in his skilful hands, manipulating her nipples into hard peaks, Angelus snaked his tongue over the healing bite he had given her days before, making Cordelia shiver with longing. Angelus trailed his hand down her belly and covered her mound.  
  
"Oh I think you do." Angelus thrust a finger into her core, delighted to find her already wet with desire for him. Cordelia moaned loudly and gripped his shoulders to stop herself from falling down. Angelus pressed against her swollen clit making Cordelia throw her head back and groan.  
  
"Tell me you want me Cordelia." Angelus whispered to her as he began to slowly rub her engorged bud.  
  
"I...."Cordelia couldn't think straight, she had to stop him but it felt too good.  
  
"Say it." Angelus thrust a finger inside her hot channel, he massaged her most secret flesh, sliding in and out of her over and over again.  
  
"I want you..." Cordelia growled feeling her orgasm creeping up on her. Angelus felt the satisfaction of victory and removed his hand, Cordelia whimpered at the loss.  
  
"See that wasn't so difficult was it?" He grinned wickedly, Cordelia was about to slap him but Angelus had dropped to his knees and was planting wet kisses across her stomach. The beautiful seer laced her fingers through his hair and leaned in to his mouth. Angelus kneaded her hips with his strong hands and traced a damp path over the downy hairs shielding her Eden from the vampire. When Cordelia felt Angelus' cool wet tongue run over her heated centre her world spun the wrong direction.  
  
"Oh God!!" Wailed the seer as Angelus lapped her greedily, he lifted Cordelias leg up over his shoulder, opening her up more to him. Angelus dragged his tongue roughly over her as he thrust two fingers into her hot channel. Cordelia panted as she rocked her hips against his hand, she squeezed her eyes shut and became lost in the myriad of colours flashing before her. The ex Sunnydale cheerleader let out a loud scream as her orgasm ripped through her, bucking wildly in front of Angelus, when her breathing evened the vampire stood, licking at his lips with a triumphant look on his face, he was about to claim a glorious victory but Cordelia collapsing into his arms stopped him short. She buried her face in to his chest, breathing in his scent, Angels scent. Cordelia felt her eyes welling up with tears but willed them away, of all the times to cry this was possibly the worst. Angelus wrapped his arms around her, he could feel her trembling against him. An unusual wave of concern washed over Angelus.  
  
"Cordelia?" Angelus asked, his voice muffled by her hair. He ran his hands up and down her back, trying to give her comfort, something Angelus was completely new to. Cordelia stayed silent for a long while, enjoying the tender ministrations of the most feared vampire in the world. Pulling herself together Cordelia moved out of Angelus' embrace enough to slip his leather jacket off his shoulders, she walked him backwards to the couch, the couch she and Angel had made love on the night before he took both their futures in to his own hands and decided to give away his soul without telling her. Cordelia straddled the sitting vampire, Angelus was confused by the beautiful young woman sitting on top of him, kissing his neck. He had expected her to fight him every step of the way, expected her to be disgusted with herself for last time but instead she was a more than willing participant. For a brief moment he thought maybe he should stop this, then he remembered who he was and snatched her lips in a brutal kiss. Cordelia pulled open his shirt then unzipped his pants and released his hard member from its confines, Angelus hissed at the contact of her hot hands around his aching shaft, Cordelia sucked his bottom lip into her mouth as she slowly started to pump him. Angelus' head dropped on to the back of the sofa, unneeded air leaving his dead lungs as he panted at Cordelia's skilled hands. His head shot back up when he felt Cordelia drag her nails down his chest, leaving an angry red graze, his hips bucked in to her at the delicious pain, bringing his turgid cock in contact with Cordelia's heated core. The seer thrust down on to him in one long movement, when he was buried deep inside of her she opened her eyes and looked at the sweet face of the man she had loved.  
  
"Change." Cordelia frowned as she rocked her hips.  
  
"What?" Angelus gasped.  
  
"Change your face.....I can't....be Angelus....be Angelus! Change your face!" Cordelia shouted at him furiously, she dug her thumbnail into his shoulder as hard as she could, drawing his borrowed blood, garnering the response she needed when his eyes burnt amber and his demonic visage took over his face. Angelus growled at the seers actions and grabbed her upper arms, Cordelia knew what he wanted and she realised she wanted it too, she flicked her damp hair over her shoulder, exposing her long slender neck to the beast. Cordelia felt Angelus become even bigger inside her, she moaned desperately and pulled him to her throat, rocking feverishly on top of him. Angelus punctured the nearly healed skin and let her warm blood trickle down his throat. Cordelia's blood was an elixir and the vampire drank deeply. The seer jabbed her nails in to the vampires shoulder as she came, the sharp pain pushing Angelus over the edge along with her. Angelus withdrew his teeth and licked the wound until it stopped weeping, he felt Cordelia breathing hard against him and the concern overcame him once again. He stood up with Cordelia still in his arms and walked in to her bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Neither of them heard the distant shrill of Cordelia's phone as it rang in the other room. Her phantom house-mate prayed to every god he had ever heard of that Cordelia would live to see the light of day.  
  
Part 3  
  
Angelus stole out of Cordelia's apartment well before dawn, he left her asleep and unharmed. As he prowled through the sewers the vampire berated himself for his actions, he didn't like the power Cordelia had over him, it wasn't meant to be like this, Angelus had intended on breaking her, fucking her then killing her but some where along the way the plan had been forgotten and he had ended up spending the night with her, holding her, kissing her, making love to her. Cordelia was under his skin and Angelus hated it. He resolved to end it, he was the scourge of Europe not some love struck puppy dog, and if the only way to end it was by the death of the seer, then that's what Angelus vowed to do. Just as he turned around to head back to the young woman's house a searing pain in his chest brought him to his knees, then everything turned back.  
  
The warm sun on Cordelia's face woke her gently, she stretched lazily, her sore limbs reminding her of what happened last night. She rolled over to be confronted with a cold empty space next to her.  
  
"Angelus?" Cordelia called out only to be answered with silence.  
  
What else did I expect? She asked herself. She didn't want to admit that she had wanted him to be there in the morning, she wanted to feel Angelus surrounding her as he had last night. Cordelia didn't expect orange juice and bagels with the man but it didn't stop her heart from wanting it just a little bit.  
  
Cordelia wandered around her little home, picking up the sofa pillows and drawing the blinds. She replayed the events of last night over and over in her mind, blushing at some of the things she had done with Angelus. Cordelia dropped the blanket she had wrapped around herself and looked at her reflection in the mirror. There was an angry bite mark on her left breast and a row of finger shaped bruises on both her hips. The seers lips were swollen from too many kisses and her hair had curled madly from being left to dry on its own accord. All in all she looked like a woman who had been thoroughly ravaged.  
  
"This is a fine mess you're in Cordelia Chase." She admonished her reflection. The telephone ringing brought her out of her revelry.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Cordelia? Why haven't you been answering your phone or pager? Are you OK? Where have you been? I've been trying to get you all night?!" Wesley shouted at her.  
  
"You have? I was...er....I had a migraine, went to bed early, pain killers knocked me out. So, what's up Wes?" She asked wearily, stealing herself for the frantic ramblings that she had become accustomed to from Wesley.  
  
"I did it! Well at least I think I did it. I'm pretty sure I did it. If I said the Latin correctly then I'm sure I did it!" Wesley babbled.  
  
"Did what Wes?" Cordelia sighed and sat down, settling in for a long and confusing conversation. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, sore from the night before.  
  
"All week Cordy! I've been up without sleep all week and just as I was going to give up.......eureka! I found it! In the Klendul text of all places. The Klendul text Cordelia!" The ex watcher sang out loudly.  
  
"Wesley, calm down, breathe, what have you done?" Cordelia spoke slowly as though she were talking to a child.  
  
"I've returned Angels soul to him!" Wesley exclaimed joyfully. Cordelia dropped the phone in shock, unable to believe what she had been told. She could hear her heart beating in her ears and she thought she might faint.  
  
Her Angel was back.  
  
The world came rushing back to her and she grabbed the phone off the floor.  
  
"Hello? Cordelia? Cordelia are you still there?"  
  
"I'm....I'm still here. Wesley are you sure?" Cordelia asked desperately.  
  
"Well, the orb glowed like Willow described."  
  
"When?"  
  
"A couple of hours ago, just before dawn broke." Wesley said proudly.  
  
"Are you sure, have you...are you certain?" The seer needed to know.  
  
" I thought it would be best if hehad some time to himself if it worked, let him....you know. I was just going to head over to the Hotel and check."  
  
"NO! No Wes, I'll go." Cordelia rushed to her room and searched for a clean pair of jeans.  
  
"I don't know Cordy, what if it hasn't worked? What if Angelus is...." Wesley trailed off.  
  
"I'll pffft phiffle mmmfffl." Cordelia mumbled, her head stuck in the sleeve of the sweater she was tangled in.  
  
"Cordelia are you OK?" A very concerned Wesley asked.  
  
"Sorry, stuck in my sweater, I said I'll be fine, if it hasn't worked Angelus won't be a problem. I'll ring you from the hotel." Cordelia hung up not letting her friend argue with her any further. Grabbing her car keys on the way Cordelia sprinted out of the apartment, for the first time in three months Cordelia was smiling. Her sweet Angel was home.  
  
"Angel?! Angel!" Cordelia called as she ran up the Hyperion stairs towards his room. She heard Debussys Clare De Lune coming from his room and knew straight away that it had worked, Angel had his soul back. Cordelia entered without knocking, breathing fast with anticipation.  
  
"Angel? Are you in here?" She whispered into the dark room.  
  
"I'm here Cordelia." Angel moved out of the shadows of the thick drapes. The seer ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck, squeezing him in a strong embraced.  
  
"Oh God Angel." Cordelia uttered into his neck, she could feel the months of pent up emotion start to leak out of her, her legs felt like lead and she stumbled backwards when Angel tore out of her grasp.  
  
"Angelus?" Cordelia frowned.  
  
"No Cordelia, it's Angel. Sorry to disappoint you." He pushed past her and began to strip the sheets off his bed.  
  
"Angel I...." Cordelia started.  
  
"You stupid girl, what the hell were you thinking?! Were you even thinking at all?!" Angel shouted at the woman he loved.  
  
"It's not.....its not what you think Angel." Cordelia reached for his arm but he jerked away from her touch. The young woman felt a deep red shame building inside her.  
  
"So you didn't fuck him then? You didn't spread your legs in this bed, our bed, for that bastard?" Angel hissed, his eyes glowing gold.  
  
"It wasn't..." Cordelia tried again but to no avail.  
  
Angel grabbed her arm hard, wrenching her towards him. He shoved Cordelia's hair back and glared at the crimson bite on her neck. The seer tried to shrug him off but he held tight, in a move Angelus would have been proud of Angel jerked her sweater up, baring her bite covered breasts to him, he could also see the shadow of bruised flesh just above the waist of her jeans. Angel growled low in anger. "You wanted it, you enjoyed it. You fucking well screamed out his name! Is that what turns you on Cordelia, you want me to hurt you? Treat you like nothing and throw you away?! Is that what you need?" Angel dug his fingers into the soft flesh of her arms.  
  
"Angel stop it!" Cordelia whimpered. The vampire let go of her, his face contorted in disgust. Angel picked up the betrayal tainted sheets and threw them into the hall way.  
  
"Let me explain." Cordelia begged him.  
  
"You don't need to, I have his memories remember, I know exactly what you did. How could you?"Angel spat at her.  
  
"You were gone!" Cordelia blazed, her fury finally bursting out of her.  
  
"That's your excuse? Angels gone so I may as well have a little fun with his psychotic alter ego?" Angel asked bitterly.  
  
"That's not....you left me! I loved you so much and you left me. How could I? Fuck you Angel! How the hell could you! I woke up one morning and found out my entire life had fallen apart because you gave up your soul for a kid that hates you. You should have come to us, we would have found a way to help Connor but oh no you had to be the martyr and give away your damn soul!" Cordelia raged.  
  
"So you slept with him to get back at me!"  
  
"I SLEPT WITH ANGELUS BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF FEELING DEAD INSIDE!"  
  
They listened to the ghostly echo of Cordelia's voice bounce around the hotel, she sat down in his old leather chair, running her fingers over the worn material, waiting for Angel to say something, anything.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You were gone...I...I had nothing. Some where along the road you became my entire life and with out you I couldn't...I just couldn't breathe. You broke my heart Angel and I couldn't breathe." Cordelia felt the tears running down her face but didn't brush them away. "All I had left of you...was him. So I took what I was left with because it was better than feeling nothing, better than feeling so fucking numb inside that all I wanted to do was die. You can go ahead and hate me Angel, but you can't make me feel any worse than I have for the last three months." Cordelia finished bitterly. Angel was staring at the floor, his head hidden in his hands. He couldn't stop seeing the things she had done with Angelus. He saw flashes of her face contorted in ecstasy, begging for more, screaming the name of the demon he feared and hated the most. Angel couldn't stand it. Letting out a vicious growl Angel pushed over the heavy bookcase, the clatter of falling books and breaking wood made the seer jump out of her chair, the vampire lost control, throwing antique vases and smashing frames holding the pictures of him and the people he loved all around his room. Cordelia watched the man she loved, his pain so raw and evident, she wished she could take it all away and it wounded her to know that she had caused it.  
  
Angel halted his actions as abruptly as he had begun, the only sound heard in the debris blanketed room was the low murmur of Angel's record player turning. Cordelia moved towards him only for Angel to take a step back.  
  
"Why didn't you stake him like you promised me?" Angel said without bringing his gaze to hers.  
  
"I...I couldn't. He was you." Cordelia struggled.  
  
"I am not Angelus Cordelia!" The vampire shouted, his eyes once again glowing with anger.  
  
"I know! I just, I couldn't bare the thought of you never coming back."  
  
"You should have killed him, you had enough damn chances when he was laying next to you." Angel snapped at her.  
  
"Well I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't otherwise we wouldn't be having this delightful reunion." Cordelia sighed wearily. Angel picked up a broken picture by his foot, the smiling faces of his two best friends holding his child stared back at him, his heart twisted in agony.  
  
There was silence for a long time, Cordelia wasn't sure how much time had passed, the pair sat on opposite sides of the room listening to the hollow tick of Angels clock.  
  
"Connor's gone. As soon as Wolfram and Hart collected their ransom he ran, but not before he tried to kill Gunn and Fred though, who were trying to help him by the way." Cordelia told him breaking the silence. "Lorne's still in Vegas, he wouldn't come back, said he couldn't stand to watch his Angel pie...you know. Wesleys a mess. For some reason he feels guilty about what happened, I guess there's a lot of that going around at the moment. I was about three days away from having him commited, but I think he'll be ok now you're back. Fred moved out, of course, her and Gunn aren't doing so good. After the fight we had about Angelus, well, things got said, things that shouldn't have. I think you can say Angel Investigations is pretty much over with. I expect you'll be getting a call from Kate soon...."  
  
"Cordelia can you just stop." Angel muttered.  
  
"I just thought you would like to know what been going on since you left us."  
  
"I don't really care about all that right now."  
  
"Well you should. There are a lot of very angry people out there Angel, people that trusted you, people that love you. " Cordelia went around picking up the strewn funiture.  
  
"You're the last person who should be talking about trust."Angel barked at the young woman. Cordelia stopped her actions and stood back up, wincing at the dull pain in her lower back, a casualty from patrolling. How did I get here? The seer asked herslf, she use to have such a shining future ahead of her, she could have gone any where, been anything. Cordelia had found a job she was passionante about, a family she adored and a man that loved her. For a little while they were all so happy. But that was over now and Cordelia knew what she had to do.  
  
"You're never going to forgive me. If I thought getting down on my knees and begging you for absolution would work I'd be doing it right now." Cordelia felt the tears that had stopped begin again.  
  
"What are you saying?" Angel frowned.  
  
"I don't...I don't think we can come back from this Angel. I'm not the same woman you fell in love with, that woman died when you left me. I never thought we would cause each other so much pain, I was wrong. I love you so much......but I don't think I can do this. If I stay we're going to tear each other apart, more than we already have."  
  
"Are you telling me it's over?"  
  
"Angel you know it is, it was over the moment you made your pack with the devil. I'm not putting all the blame on you, I know exactly what I was doing with Angelus. I'm sorry that I've hurt you Angel, I never meant to." Cordelia picked up her keys from the floor and walked away from the man she would have died for. Angel didn't stop her as he watched her leave, Cordelia knew he wouldn't.  
  
As Cordelia walked through the lobby she remembered the thousand happy moments they had all spent there, even the sad memories made her smile. The seer was woken from her thoughts by the befuddled presence of Wesley barreling through the front door.  
  
"Cordy, is he back? Is he ok? I couldn't wait for you to call. Why are you crying? What's wrong?" Wesley rushed up to her.  
  
"Angels upstairs, he's ok." Cordelia enveloped the ex watcher in an affectionate embrace, breathing in his funny English cologne.  
  
"Cordelia what is it?" Wesley whispered in to her hair. Cordelia pulled away from him, smiling sadly.  
  
"Take care of him Wes." The seer said then kissed his cheek. Wesley watched his dear friend leave the hotel, never looking back. Something bad had happened, something Wesley wouldn't ever be able to understand. As he watched the retreating figure of Cordelia Chase exiting the Hyperion Hotel, Wesley had a feeling he would never see her again.  
  
The End. 


End file.
